The Last Janitor (Part 1): Cleaning Up The Last Jedi

Some of you may have had the misfortune to watch what they call the eighth episode of Star Wars, The Last Jedi. If so, you’ve probably noticed some of the problems with it. (Unless, of course, you happen to be an SJW, which isn’t likely on this blog, but you never know).

Some of you may have also had the good fortune to read the blog series The Last Straw, written by John C. Wright. If so, you probably have extensive knowledge of all the problems of that anti-Star Wars, plot-plop-filled, meaningless, futureless non-film where nothing is truly accomplished and (as I’m sure Last Straw readers will know) nothing matters.

If you have not read it, you really should. It’s well-written, perceptive, and bitingly funny.

I mention The Last Straw partly because I will be taking inspiration from it in this new series of mine, in at least two ways. Last Straw came out every Friday for sixteen weeks, ending November 2. This series will come out every Friday for twelve weeks, ending July 19.

This series will also spend that time talking about The Last Jedi, its problems (especially in plot, character, and world-building), along with several possible solutions. Cleaning up The Last Jedi, so to speak.

And who better to clean up such a mess as this than a janitor?

Let me begin again, saying some of you may be familiar with the Christian radio show Adventures in Odyssey. If not, I always recommend the Blackgaard Saga as a starting point, as it’s some of their best work. In this case, I would add the “Road Trip” miniseries in Album 21, Wish You Were Here, along with a few standalones scattered throughout. (If anyone wants to know the titles of these standalones, I can provide them in the comments below).

And if you are familiar with AIO, you may have deduced, from all the information thus far, what I’m talking about. Or, more properly, who. And the character I’m talking about is, of course, Bernard Walton.

If you don’t know him, this will give you a bit of an idea of what he’s like.

 

In addition to being a window-washer and janitor, Bernard is an excellent storyteller. Several episodes revolve around him telling Biblical and personal stories. Despite constantly pointing out other characters’ lapses in common sense, he usually gets a real kick out of their antics—even getting wrapped up in them himself on far more than one occasion. (A prime example of this can be found in the episode “Suspicious Minds”).

Bernard is one of our family’s favorite characters, especially of my father’s. Daddy added that Bernard always sounds natural, never like he’s acting or just reading lines. Though you probably gleaned that much from the above video. The performance made the character. In fact, the actor, Dave Madden, is quoted as saying “Well, that’s the job of a good actor. If all we do is read what’s on the page, you could get anybody!”

The real point is, he’s such a favorite of my daddy that, back in October, he said this:

Think of the worst TV show or movie you’ve ever seen—think of Last Jedi! If Bernard Walton was in it, Last Jedi would not be horrible. It would probably become one of my favorite movies. That’s how much I like Bernard Walton.

Well, that got my writerly brain thinking. What would Last Jedi be like if Bernard Walton was in it? The result of that thinking was this series: The Last Janitor.

Over the next eleven weeks, I will be looking at what the atrocity named The Last Jedi would be like if Bernard Walton was a character in the “story”. And I don’t just mean one part of the story—I’ll be taking a look at each of the three “plot” lines individually. I will take three posts for each plot-line, plus one extra post for a little experiment (more on that anon). Then I will close, eleven weeks hence, with a final post.

By the way, I’d simply like to say that YES, Nate, this is the series I told you about. Now you know what it is I’ve been working on with Sir Bernard, and hopefully understand the hints I gave, and why certain things we talked about wouldn’t quite fit in. (Don’t worry, though, I’ll work them out somewhere else). Also, Happy Birthday, for this first post comes out on your birthday! And a momentous one it is, too.

But what is it I’ve been working on? What exactly is this series supposed to be and do? Because, unlike Last Jedi, there is always a point to actions.

Is this a series of satirical articles? It could be considered as such, I suppose. The Last Jedi was so horrible that a completely unrelated character from some radio show could make it better! But then again, I’ve never written satire (at least, to my memory). I probably could, after watching several Lutheran Satire videos to prepare, but I haven’t done so yet. And besides, that’s not quite the point.

Is this a lengthy review? Not exactly. Though it could be one, since Bernard often points out the lapses of reason in the characters and plot simply by complaining. However, it’s more than that. Bernard is his own character, created by others than I. In a way, that is an assurance that this isn’t just a review. This isn’t just me inserting a cardboard cut-out character into the film in order to make a point and yell at other characters. That was the problem with the original. Well, one of the problems.

And besides, I think The Last Straw covers all the bases in terms of reviews. So for this series to be nothing more than a review would be a bit redundant.

Is this a story? Yes.

It is a story about Jedi, and Sith, and plans, and leaders, and traitors, and heroes. And especially, it is a story about a janitor named Bernard Walton, bringing those things together to actually make sense.

It is a story that, while it may not be completely serious—this is a fanfictional crossover with a comical character played by Dave Madden on a radio show and the worst Star Wars movie ever, after all—that does take its job as a story in general, and as a Star Wars story, very seriously.

It is a story, because they forgot to put one in the first time around.

These film perpetrators have, with this one film, thrown the entire series previous to the dust, and at the same time clogged up their own potential storylines almost completely.

Therefore, my purpose in this series is “To rise from the dust, break through the clog, stand unflappable, and proudly declare: ‘I… AM… JANITOR!’”

So over the next couple of months, I hope you’ll stick around to read the stories I’ve come up with. Although it’s rather less likely, I hope that you’ll come to look forward to this each Friday as much as my family looked forward to new Last Straw posts. And most of all, I hope this will be a better Star Wars story than The Last Jedi.

Though that shouldn’t be that hard to do. The Phineas and Ferb Star Wars Special was a better Star Wars story than Last Jedi, for crying out loud. How much better could it be with Bernard Walton?

 

Next: Part 2: Leadership of the Resistance